Podcast #15 - Divorced Dad Minute - "Who Really Has Custody of Your Children?"

The following is not legal advice

 

 Divorced Dad Minute # 15: "Who Really Has Custody of Your Children?": Play Now | Play in Popup | Downloads 1889

Divorced dads Family Court during custody, access /  child visitation and child support hearings need to ask themselves a very basic question:

What is custody?

Some divorced dads think custody = time with the children. Not so. That's only one component, and it might not even be the component you "think" you are fighting over. For example, if you make more money then Mom even if you have your child most of the time, you could be paying her some form of child support.

So what is custody?

Generally it is accepted that this is the right that the Family Court grants a parent to decide legal, educational, religious and legal issues for the child.

BUT - Who really has custody of the children?

If divorced dads pondered that for a moment they'd realize a very basic fact:

The state has custody of their children…..

Here's the thing - Most people don't recognize is if the state wants your house for a super highway, they're going to expropriate it.  If they want you to go fight in a war, they're going to conscript you and if you refuse, you're possibly going to military prison.  When it comes to your children, well, guess what?  They are the ones that have the final say.
 
People spend a lot of money fighting over custody without recognizing that very basic fact about the way things are. During custody, access /  child visitation and child support hearings, costs can quickly escalate out of control.

Can you afford that?

Picture the following scenario:

You spend over $70,000.00 fighting for custody as a father and lets say you actually win. Is it over? Not by a long shot….First of all you need to be waging peace not war over your kids.

Secondly, the moment you and the ex-wife disagree over custody issues, where do you think you will be going to resolve it if no agreement is reached?

That's right - Family Court. And guess who will make the decision:

A You - the custodial parent; or

B) The Family Court Judge?

The Family Court Judge always has the LAST say. Even when you win custody.

So, what's the whole point of fighting over custody then? Why did you spend so much money? That's a very good question. One you should be asking yourself before you spend that hard earned money.
 
While its true that having custody confers advantages, it does not grant an absolute and final win. Don't take our word for it, ask those who have won custody if this is the so.

Then go ask as many legal and other professionals, lawyers, or if you have an opportunity any politician willing to answer the question.

What you absolutely want is substantial time to remain an equal influence in your child's life. That can be accomplished with generous specified access orders. It can't be with a vague one with no specified parenting times.

You don't want to spend the farm on custody, unless that is an absolute necessity and your facts support that claim. If your facts are weak because you left your kids with Mom, or have been arrested or removed from the home, you will have a very hard time winning custody.

And maybe you don't need to win custody - what you need is equal parenting time. Maybe it will be a slice by slice operation to get to that equal time share; perhaps you will need to pay full child support to get there - at least for awhile.

Life is not always fair, and sometimes you have to make sacrifices to make gains.

BUT REMEMBER THIS FACT: The Family Court Judge always has the LAST say.

Even when you win custody.

That's the way the law is designed when parents can't agree. Don't look at custody as the "be all" solution for every problem.

It's not.

Sometimes trading "custody" for "expanded access" can be a powerful bargaining chip to expand access to a substantial level. It can also reduce legal costs for everyone if that's no longer on the table for negotiation.

Maybe it's what you need to do today. Maybe it is just for a short time, maybe the next few years, perhaps until the kids are teenagers. All of life is change. Don't presuppose that you are "doomed" to be "non-custodial" forever.

Remember if Mom is acting unreasonably, a Judge can straighten her out and make things right for the kids. And perhaps by trading "custody" for expanded access, all the problems with your case evaporate. Judges don't go behind a Court order, they go forward from it, excepting an appeal.

Perhaps Mom will never obey the Court order, but all your previous problems with your case no longer exist. We are going forward from the new Court order.

So if you are obeying all of the Court order and Mom is not, especially when it comes to access, and she is doing this within days of the order, you likely will have a VERY strong foundation to build from to get enforcement of your access, and if it continues, custody of your children.

But don't run to Family Court with every little disagreement.

NO Family Court will micro-manage your family affairs. Asking a Family Court Judge to do so will only upset them and cost you dearly…

So take a deep breath and find a way to manage matters as best you can OUTSIDE of Family Court whenever possible.  When facing custody, access /  child visitation and child support hearings learn what is a winning argument and what is a losing argument.

Especially when it comes to custody issues such as who will decide legal, educational, religious and legal issues for the child.

Your finances will thank you for it. And you will have the beginnings of a GREAT gameplan. But you will need help….

That's where Divorced Dad Weekly comes in. Every week we have a FREE teteseminar training call.

Let us know about your progress. Join us on our weekly teleseminar / webcast training call Divorced Dad Weekly where we go into more depth on these concepts.

Listen to today's Divorced Dad Minute to learn how….come back often for new insights on how you can begin turning your situation around today.

Danny Guspie & Heidi Nabert
The Dynamic Divorce Duo